Oy Pain. Berkmaniacs are Beaten in Spirit.

In Pumorian. We weep.

It seems like our former guy, the man I loved so much to watch in the box, the man who could never really come through in the last few years for Houston, would rather pour it on now, and it seems spiteful, it seems so obvious to any Astros fan. Let Blue Jay, Brewer, or Marlins’ fans awe in Berkman’s massive one man slaughter  of the starred ones on Thursday night, we know better, Houston fans. This was the only outcome. Poetic justice and revenge play out with melancholy redundancy against our squad. The bigger the ex-player, the bigger the beating. I called this very heinous Berkman beat down to my father via e-mail in March. Should have spent the week in Vegas.

But the truth is that Lance was only going to succeed somewhere else. He had battled under too many injuries and expectations for too long in Texas, with a team “sort of” built around him, and glory fading from him in every at bat. Not to his fault, he gave everything, but  we all knew he’d never be the same in Houston, there was too much history. It was like when we went to the World Series, Berkman and the other boys of summer left us at the altar, and instead of worshipping them as our heroes, we felt embarrassed, hung out to dry by our listless ‘Stros in the biggest spotlight. This isn’t actually true, our guys played hard in that four game sweep, but after that, the fan base was stung, and the team was dismantled, forever rustling Berkman’s feathers because, let’s face it, all his buddies either retired or were traded away.

The Puma’s renaissance in St. Louis comes with fresh perspective, patience, and protection in the line up. We should only wish him the best, always, even if he enjoyed pummeling his former team a little bit too much this series.

After all, we have a new, hungry squad, out from under the Berkman and Oswalt shadow, and playing like a group that wants a taste of victory, even if their taste buds have been fried by one of the foulest flavored bullpens Houston has ever had. (I hope only so far: Really, your name is ABAD? Even that joke is too easy to hit.)  Bourn, Pence, and Wallace could not be themselves if old Puma was still holding court in H-town.

So breathe out Houston diehards, be glad you survived the inevitable with one win, and know that it’s possible, if Fat Elvis keeps playing like this, we’ll see his happy ass in Cooperstown. And he wouldn’t be caught dead there in Cardinal red, no matter what anyone says.

May Lance Hit This Well Against The Cubs,

Astropolithecus

What Penetrates the Fog

Sorry to say it, Astros fans, but I’ve been away from the game for the entirety of the Padres series. Vacation/work/why do you care?  Yet some facts about this team have managed to penetrate my MLB fog.  I’m writing today with a stranger’s perspective:

1 – Astros are in last place.  Yikes, still haven’t won a single series.

2 – However, Astros are in first place in taking out middle infielders at second base.  Does this implicate some fire in the ‘Stros clubhouse?

3 – Wandy, Wandy, Wandy.  Even strangers are crying about your 7.31 ERA.

4 – Brett Myers.  Even strangers are impressed that the Astros have a solid starting pitcher in the rotation.

5 – Strangers have noticed that Lance Berkman is on fire!!!!  Oh, wait, he’s a Cardinal.

6 – Strangers have noticed that Hunter Pence is not on fire.

5 – Strangers conclude that the Astros are back to being the disastros, which is a lot better than being “the good guys.”

New York City, here they come!

It’s Official Astros Fans: Never Gonna Happen 2010

Folks,

Though our fair broadcasters on both radio and television might gloss over  a very ugly season by not saying anything very negative or critical, I want to make an announcement. Houston is done as of today, June 19th. This is from an eternal Astros optimist.

We are a crap team this year, and for the first time since I can remember I’m questioning the effort team wide, which bothers me deeply. Oswalt wants to leave, and rightly so.

I say blow it up and start all over.  Youth movement in Houston helmed by new hitting coach Bagwell is about the best we can hope for in the next two years.   Buckle down, ladies and gentlemen, judging by the listless nature of this mediocre squad, your fandom will be tested Pittsburgh Pirates style until the blessed day in early October when this train wreck(Wooo!Wooo! my ass) is over.

I knew the playoffs would be a miracle, but I never imagined what I’ve been watching these last 3 months. Only up from here, I hope.

Onward and Upward,

Berkmaniac

Chris Carpenter is a Big, Coddled Baby

In the third inning of today’s game, Chris Carpenter had to be starting something with Carlos Lee.  Why?  Because he’s a big baby.  Because he has a Cy Young and pitches for the Cardinals and therefore gets coddled, his extreme need to be a jerk categorized as “competitiveness” or “fire.”

On the field today benches cleared (slowly), but after the game, Carlos Lee was left all alone by his teammates and manager.

Post game, why didn’t Berkman say something to defend Carlos?  Why didn’t Mills?

He’s having a down year for sure, but Carlos Lee has been the most consistent hitter on this team since we acquired him.  On top of that, he has never said a bad word about management, teammates, or opponents in all that time.

Now Carpenter wants to be starting something and nobody comes to Carlos’s defense?!

Tony La Russa knew what to do.  He defended his pitcher and threw more dirt at Carlos.

Our manager should do the same.

Almost Everyone Fatter than Carlos Lee

Geez!  I’m sick of hearing about “concerns” that Carlos is out of shape.

Almost every player on our team is in worse shape than Carlos Lee.

In fact, every player on our team is in worse RBI shape than Carlos… yes, including Lance Berkman.

People, we won 74 games last season!  Stop it already!

Astros’ Best Hitter?

In a post game interview after last night’s 11-6 win over the Cardinals, Miguel Tejada (2 for 3 with 3 RBIs) was asked about the importance of winning while the team’s best hitter, Lance Berkman, is out with a strained calf.  Miggy answered as expected, that it’s very important, that Lance is our best hitter and to win without him is big.

But I wonder, is Lance our best hitter this season?

His stats say, yes.  He leads the team in home runs, OBP and SLG. 

Did you have to look them up? you may be wondering.  He’s Lance Berkman!  He plays in 100 percent of ESPN fantasy leagues.  Everyone knows he’s the Astros’ best hitter.  Once upon a time there was Biggio and Bagwell, and now there’s Berkman.  Duh.

So, OK, he’s our best hitter… but still, this scene in the locker room, it rubbed me the wrong way.  And if you peek at Miguel Tejada’s stats, you’ll see why. 

Tejada’s .326 avg leads the team, as do his 30 doubles.  He has 53 RBIs (only 2 fewer than Berkman).  In July, Berkman and Tejada have almost identical stats in doubles, HR, and RBIs.  This season, Tejada’s avg with RISP is .319.  Berkman’s has been .260.  There is negligible difference between the two players on the Bill James’s runs created formula (Berkman sits at 63 in 2009, Tejada at 61).

Berkman may be our best hitter, but this season, he’s not “best” by so much.  He has more power than Tejada, undoubtedly.  And he walks a ton.  (Tejada has walked only 12 times all season!)  But if you asked me who I’d rather have on the bench for a few days, Berkman or Tejada, I’d toss a coin. 

Wait, Tejada on the bench with an injury?  Haha!  That never happens!

Is there a stat for hits while injured?  If there were, Tejada’s numbers might improve even more.

One Game Under

Here we are again. One game from returning to .500. Not since being 1-1 on April 7th, have the Astros been winners, err… I mean, non-losers. Actually, with an extra game to be finished up, the Stros have a chance to be winners tonight for the first time all season. First, the Astros and Nationals will pick up where they left off, albeit 1,500 miles southwest. With an extra-inning win to start the night off, the Astros can either go on to be winners, or quickly follow a step forward with another step back.

During Spring training, my brother and I talked about how we thought the season would play out. I predicted that it would look pretty ugly throughout, but that somehow the old never-say-die attitude would land the team at (an over-performing) 80-82 – with scattered winning streaks to justify management’s claims that we’re still in it. My brother predicted that through the course of the season, the Stros would have great runs to get them to 2 games below .500, slipping back down each time. It appears he was one game off. Here we are again with a third chance in a week. Each time they approach the plateau, they roll back down like a car in neutral that couldn’t build up quite enough momentum along the way.

Who’s gonna stumble this time? In San Francisco, the offense was characteristically baffled by their first view of a rookie, Ryan Sadowski (who?), and against Pittsburgh, the defense faltered. Odds are, this time it’s the pitching. Lately you have no idea what’s gonna happen with Russ Ortiz, so it’s anyone’s guess. Hopefully, though, Lance and Hunter finally teach the rest of the boys that in Texas we take two steps forward before taking another step back.

Off-day Notes

Have y’all seen Alyson Footer’s blog?

I’m throwing it a shout out because I am so enjoying the Mother’s Day luncheon pics!

First of all, that luncheon looks nicer than my wedding.

Second, I’m enjoying looking in the background of the shots.  I’ve spied Brownie.  He looks hungry.  And there’s a bunch of Japanese men seated at the table behind Russ Ortiz.  Where’s Wandy?  Can anyone find him? 

All I’m saying is, if I had Alyson Footer’s job, there’d be way more shots of JD, Brownie, and players on the bubble.  And Wandy.  This is what the people want to see!  Geez, we see Berkman all the time.

In other news, as much as I don’t look forward to hearing about Micah Owing’s offensive prowess all season (here and here), I am pumped about the Reds! 

Second in the NL Central, the Reds are the only team in our division with starting pitching good enough to challenge the Cubs long term.  It’s true that Bronson Arroyo isn’t worth his salary right now.  (Unless he’s on the road – What’s with that?)  And yes, Volquez needs to settle down.  (He will!  I believe it.) 

Even still, Cincy is on the up.  (See Cueto, Votto, and don’t look now but Taveras’s OBP is over .380!)

Yes, I’m getting on the bandwagon, and I’m getting on now.

Finally, this Onion Sports article made me chuckle.  And it caused me to look into how greedy Drayton is.  I mean, how much MLB tickets cost across the country.  I ended up happening upon this article about how greedy Drayton is.   Go figure!  Check it out and you’ll see that we consistently rank higher in revenue than we do in payroll. 

Wait – I wanted to end on a positive note.

Hey, we play the Rockies tomorrow!  At 12-18, they’re worse than we are!  And I like Paulino.  If he does well enough, I’ll write a post justifying my ridiculous confidence in this unproven arm.

Pudge an Astro! …I’m confused.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been into this idea from the start. I just have a few questions about how this happened and what this means.

Are the Astros acting rationally when it comes to Scott Boras?

The Astros have signed a Scott Boras client, going back on their pledge never to do so again. The Boras-shunning came as a result of the Carlos Beltran debacle, as the Astros were uncomfortable with someone who is all business and no folksiness. Perhaps this signals a new found self-confidence in the front office; maybe they can deal with all agents and not fear being made fools of.

Has Ed Wade learned how to bargain?

It doesn’t help your side in negotiations when you indicate from the get-go how interested you are in signing someone (Randy Wolf), or if you say many times that acquiring someone has long been an interest of your owner (Miguel Tejada). Wade actually sounded convincing as he tried to pull off the whole “you need us more than we need you” attitude. Ed Wade played this one almost right. The only mistake he made was waiting for Pudge to light it up during the WBC. Pudge would have come cheaper two weeks ago.

Is Ed Wade a liar?

Apparently, we can’t believe a word Ed Wade says when it comes to whether he’s interested in a free agent. Good for him (see above). As recently as Friday, Alyson Footer sounded scared to ever say Pudge’s name around Ed Wade again:

I was happy to see that Pudge Rodriguez is no longer mentioning the Astros as the teams who are supposedly interested in him. The latest news I read listed only the Mets and Marlins. That is good, because after checking with Ed Wade yet again today, I can assure you the Astros are not pursuing him. And judging from the irritated look on his face, I can also assure you I won’t be asking him about Pudge again anytime soon. At least not for two weeks. Or maybe 10 days. At the very least, I’ll wait a week.

Oh, and he’s not bidding on Pedro Martinez, either.

Alyson, thanks for the scoop. I guess that means we’re signing Pedro next. You know what, let’s all promise each other to never believe Ed again. That was so mean of him.

Are the Astros in preseason panic mode?

Either Wade is a filthy liar/good negotiator, or the Astros are in panic mode. Perhaps the team is finally ready to recognize that even though Spring Training win/loss records don’t matter, it does matter if it looks like your team sucks and your current catchers make Brad Ausmus look like Ted Williams.

What next?

Assuming Ed Wade is a liar AND the Astros are in panic mode, perhaps the team isn’t done wheeling and dealing. The “Good Guys” slogans are gone this year. Could that leave an opening for Jim Edmonds? He’s still out there folks, he did well last year (especially at Minute Maid), and Michael Bourn still looks bad. I know, I know, I hate him too. I’m just saying, he knows how to run up Tal’s Hill.

Will the Astros cut Brandon Backe?

Reports are that Ivan Rodriguez’s base salary will be $1.5 Million. Coincidentally, Brandon Backe will make $1.55 Million, unless the club cuts him loose prior to the start of the season. Ed Wade is saying that their budget for Pudge has changed in the past month or so. There has already been a lot of speculation that Backe could get cut, but with Nieve being claimed off waivers by the Mets, could the ‘Stros afford to be without yet another replacement level pitcher?

Where do we send Lou Palmisano?

Looks like there’s no room for the catcher the Astros picked up in the Rule 5 draft. Technically, the pick was the Orioles’. The two teams had previously arranged a trade if the O’s picked Palmisano from the Brewers. So… who gets him? Baltimore has the top rated prospect in the country, Matt Wieters, ready to play catcher this year. So, Milwakee, I guess you can have him back. That is, unless, Wade slips Quintero through waivers so he can have his cake and eat it too. I sure wouldn’t think he could do that to Q, but it might be that they think Pudge is an injury risk at his age.

How long until Berkman complains about not knowing this guy?

The Puma has been awfully content with his clubhouse mates this spring. But then again, he knows them. As you’ve probably heard, Pudge is currently kicking ass for his native Puerto Rico. So when does he meet the rest of the team? Quick Pudge, learn something about Texas high school football. Also, in case team USA and team PR meet again, he might also want to tell Roy O that he hates Jeff Gordon/loves Dale Jr.

 

Reunited And It Feels So Good

With last night’s win over the San Francisco Giants, the Astros reached the .500 mark for the first time since June 11.  Here’s a look back at the road from and to .500.

*****************************************************************************************************************

First of all, on June 11, we actually lost our game to Milwaukee.  We had been doing a lot of losing.  Although the month of May was in large part a fun one, with the ‘Stros winning seventeen out of twenty-eight games (for an overall wining percentage of .607), they lost four in a row at the end of May and began June by winning only three out of their first seven games (through June 10th).  On June 11, we were either going to stay above .500 or drop to just .500.  We did the latter, and went on to lose the next seven games in a row.  In June, we won only ten out of twenty-five (for a winning percentage of .400).  Yikes!

July was also a tough month to be a ‘Stros fan.  We kicked it off by losing four straight, and won only ten out of twenty-four games total.  July would also be the first month of Lance Berkman’s career in which he did not hit a homerun.

This August, we are trending up.  Having won nine of eleven to begin the month we are finally back to .500 ball.

Here’s a list of ‘Stros-related events that have occurred since the last time we were respectable:

6/11 Astros lose to Milwaukee, drop to .500.

6/12 – 6/19 Astros lose seven in a row, ending with a sweep by the Baltimore Orioles, and our winning percentage drops to .452

6/22 Shawn Chacon is moved to the bullpen.

6/24 Kaz Matsui strains hammy, is put on the 15-day DL.

6/25 Ed Wade confronts Shawn Chacon, Shawn Chacon throws Ed Wade to the ground, Shawn Chacon suspended, later released (here, here, here… and opinion here, here…)

7/1 Humberto Quintero is hit on the head  by Dodger Luis Maza’s bat, diagnosed with a concussion, and placed on the 15-day DL.

7/6 MLB All-Star rosters  are announced.  Lance Berkman and Miguel Tejada are voted onto the NL team.  Carlos Lee is on the ballot for the final fan vote. 

7/8 The Astros make an All-Star fan vote campaign video for Carlos.  (If you have never seen this, you should check it out!)

7/10 Oscar Villarreal  is designated for assignment, eventually released.  Matsui returns from the DL.

7/15 MLB All-Star game.  (Carlos Lee did not make the team.)

7/19 Roy Oswalt is placed on 15-day DL (left hip adductor).

7/21 Humberto Quintero returns from the DL.

7/23 Astros acquire Randy Wolf  from San Diego. 

7/28 Roy Oswalt returns from the DL, starts, defeats Reds.

7/31 Astros acquire LaTroy Hawkins  from the Yankees.

8/4  We all almost die in a tornado / lightning storm in Chicago, but survive to get the win.

8/11 Astros defeat Giants, return to .500!