Archive for May, 2010

Say There, Need A Tonic What Ails Your Rubber Arm?

Posted in Astros rivals, Houston Astros with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2010 by Astropolithecus

Try a bit of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE!

Okay ladies and germs, now listen good and listen fast and listen with your wallets out, no seriously folks I’m only gonna say it three or four hundred more times, no now I’m absolutely serious, so listen tight, peel your ears proper and lean close to my friendly lips whilst I reveal to you this fine evening the most locked down, whizbang, firecracker, hardsmack, sharp as diamond can’t miss cure for  all your pitching troubles.

Your team struggling? Right at .500? WAYYYYY BEELLOOOOWW .500? Not a problem here! Got a wily veteran losing his stuff?A young gun with a herky jerky throwing motion? Wild man who can’t find the plate?  Mental case?  Just your standard ace in need of a real confidence booster?  Heck be burned I’ve got The SOLUTION!

Why bottled and glittering right here on my state of the art sanitized portable laboratory table I’ve got two ounces of the best kept secret in all of stickball! See now, just three drops of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE, and those pitiful pitchers will perk up like hounds at a hotdog stand!

This sauce is a scientific miracle for revolutionary relief. Drawn from the center of each Houston Astros game used baseball bat, this cold, syrupy, flavorless goo is sure to wipe out any lineup!

Simply sneak into your visiting clubhouse, flick three drops onto any bat of your choosing, even pour it on their fancy catered spread, and watch the futile unfold!

I promise your pitcher has never had it so hunky dory! He’ll think he’s Cy Young reincarnated!

I have clients in San Francisco that swear by the stuff. Trust me!

You’ll see more first pitch swinging, pop up lifting, caught looking, ground outing, double play inducing goodness than you can shake a stick at. Or shake a stick at and miss for that matter! No seriously folks, I tell you with WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE your paralyzed grandmother could pitch a three hit complete game shutout backwards against the New York Yankees!

Facing a patient hitter? Not anymore!

In town against a team with thunder rolling in the middle of the lineup? More like refreshing spring showers for your starting staff!

Worried about an overworked bullpen? Ha! Tuck those late inning babies tight at 9:30 sharp, because they won’t be needed this series!

And all after only ONE application of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE!

It’s just one thin dime, one tenth of a dollar for 15 drops of my most efficient elixir!

Here now, all of you step right up and make me the richest man this side of the Mississippi! And I thank you dearly for your business!

******side effects may include harmless infield singles and long home-run distance foul balls: Do not be alarmed*******

********************WARNING*****************************

Never, under any circumstances, open a bottle inside your own clubhouse!!!

If You Ever Go To AT&T Park…

Posted in Houston Astros on May 16, 2010 by beckeesh

Bundle up!!

Here’s what I wore to the Friday night game.  Yes, Friday, May 14th, that game:

undershirt, long sleeve shirt, turtleneck, Astros windbreaker, wool scarf, cotton gloves.

And I was freezing!!!!!!

The Astros bats weren’t too hot, either.  Ouch, swept in the frigid series by the bay.

What can I say?  Beat L.A.?

Chris Carpenter is a Big, Coddled Baby

Posted in Houston Astros with tags , , , , on May 13, 2010 by beckeesh

In the third inning of today’s game, Chris Carpenter had to be starting something with Carlos Lee.  Why?  Because he’s a big baby.  Because he has a Cy Young and pitches for the Cardinals and therefore gets coddled, his extreme need to be a jerk categorized as “competitiveness” or “fire.”

On the field today benches cleared (slowly), but after the game, Carlos Lee was left all alone by his teammates and manager.

Post game, why didn’t Berkman say something to defend Carlos?  Why didn’t Mills?

He’s having a down year for sure, but Carlos Lee has been the most consistent hitter on this team since we acquired him.  On top of that, he has never said a bad word about management, teammates, or opponents in all that time.

Now Carpenter wants to be starting something and nobody comes to Carlos’s defense?!

Tony La Russa knew what to do.  He defended his pitcher and threw more dirt at Carlos.

Our manager should do the same.

Put on a Braves face.

Posted in Houston Astros with tags , , , , , on May 1, 2010 by Astropolithecus

Yeah,

I don’t know if this Houston squad can survive another eight game losing skid.  More injuries, more errors, more guys left on base, and less homers than Kelly Johnson by himself.

The Braves are currently eating us alive, and as an Astros fan I’m embarrassed and worried.  Embarrassed because we might not even be in the fight when June rolls around, and worried because I don’t see things getting a lot better over the next few years.

Where did our franchise go wrong? Something smacks hideous when our only World Series appearance featured two steroid monkeys on the mound.

I hate being a hater, but these scrappy guys are a thin losing streak away from being permanently on the scrap heap this season, and I’m afraid we’ll ship Oswalt and Berkman shortly thereafter. Couldn’t blame them if they wanted to leave at this point.

Here’s to hoping they pull off  the miracle run. I’d love to eat these pessimistic words in a few months.

Onwards and Upwards,

berkmaniac