Roy Oswalt’s Tractor Saves Infant Quadruplets from Certain Death

“Jaws of Life” Pave Way for Tearful Reunion

In a turn of events that can only be termed “ironical,” Houston Astros pitching ace Roy Oswalt saved quadruplet infants from certain death Sunday near his Weir, MS home.

“I saw ’em up in the tree,” Oswalt explained later during a press conference. “And then I saw ’em fall. And I thought, Well, Drayton give me this tractor. Best use it!”

Of the nearly 900 hours Oswalt has logged on the impressive machine, this was the first spent clearing lives, not land.

“I drove up under where they was,” Oswalt described, “and I had to think fast, so I stuck my arm out like this – and they just plopped right in there easy as pie.”

Asked if he foresaw such dramatic events when he paid the jillions of dollars it costs to purchase such an important vehicle in order to selflessly gift it to Oswalt three years ago, Astros owner Drayton McLane was thoughtful. “You know, it’s not what I had in mind. It’s better! If this tractor that I generously gave to Roy three years ago out of friendship could help out those little babies, well dang it that’s better than what I had in mind!”

The family of the quadruplets could not be reached for comment.


OK, seriously…

Like you I’m sure, I clicked on a couple weeks ago and saw a picture of Roy Oswalt with his tractor beneath a headline that read, “Roy Oswalt gives back to hometown.” (It’s true; they changed the heading by now, but you can find the original here.)

I know, I thought he must’ve heroically saved quadruplets, too!

Turns out he’s opening some steak restaurant… Old story. (Hel-lo, Astros Insider March!) But I guess old is new when one finds a way to link the tractor to it. Genius! Who thought of that? Alyson, was it you? That’s why they pay you the big bucks!

Hey, maybe they’ll add this story as an addendum to the tractor blurb that already lives on the back of Oswalt Topps cards. Ooh, quick, email Jon Miller so he can mention this every time the Astros get Game of the Week coverage on ESPN. No, not necessary. I’m sure the powers that be have already added it to Drayton’s biography.

3 Responses to “Roy Oswalt’s Tractor Saves Infant Quadruplets from Certain Death”

  1. Cabeza De Vaca Says:

    When Drayton gave Roy a tractor in 2005, I thought “Hmm, why doesn’t he just give him the money?” Then I thought, “Uh… I guess Roy’s the type of guy who appreciates that kind of thing, and might not realize how easy it would be for him to buy one himself.”

    Little did I know I would never read the name “Roy Oswalt” on the Astros website without the words “Drayton” and “tractor” in the same paragraph.

    “Hey man, he’s just like us! He drives a tractor. Git ‘er dun.”

    “Well, really, he owns a tractor that is far more expensive than a tractor you will ever own. It’s just a hobby, too. So, it’s not all that different than anything else a super-wealthy athlete owns.”

    “But, it’s… a… tractor.”

    By the way, best bobblehead ever.

  2. beckeesh Says:

    Git ‘er deauxn you mean. Geez, what is with that?

    Drayton can’t do anything unless it leads to publicity. I think Roy’s a smart company man. He goes along with the tractor storyline, and Drayton gets the press writing hometown hero stories about a small business enterprise.

    Hey, all I’m saying is, give Miggy a tractor, and I bet good money he’ll find a way to put kids through college with it.

  3. Auto News…

    […]Roy Oswalt’s Tractor Saves Infant Quadruplets from Certain Death « Disastros[…]…

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