Archive for Disastros

Oy Pain. Berkmaniacs are Beaten in Spirit.

Posted in Astros rivals, Ex-Astros, Houston Astros with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 29, 2011 by Astropolithecus

In Pumorian. We weep.

It seems like our former guy, the man I loved so much to watch in the box, the man who could never really come through in the last few years for Houston, would rather pour it on now, and it seems spiteful, it seems so obvious to any Astros fan. Let Blue Jay, Brewer, or Marlins’ fans awe in Berkman’s massive one man slaughter  of the starred ones on Thursday night, we know better, Houston fans. This was the only outcome. Poetic justice and revenge play out with melancholy redundancy against our squad. The bigger the ex-player, the bigger the beating. I called this very heinous Berkman beat down to my father via e-mail in March. Should have spent the week in Vegas.

But the truth is that Lance was only going to succeed somewhere else. He had battled under too many injuries and expectations for too long in Texas, with a team “sort of” built around him, and glory fading from him in every at bat. Not to his fault, he gave everything, but  we all knew he’d never be the same in Houston, there was too much history. It was like when we went to the World Series, Berkman and the other boys of summer left us at the altar, and instead of worshipping them as our heroes, we felt embarrassed, hung out to dry by our listless ‘Stros in the biggest spotlight. This isn’t actually true, our guys played hard in that four game sweep, but after that, the fan base was stung, and the team was dismantled, forever rustling Berkman’s feathers because, let’s face it, all his buddies either retired or were traded away.

The Puma’s renaissance in St. Louis comes with fresh perspective, patience, and protection in the line up. We should only wish him the best, always, even if he enjoyed pummeling his former team a little bit too much this series.

After all, we have a new, hungry squad, out from under the Berkman and Oswalt shadow, and playing like a group that wants a taste of victory, even if their taste buds have been fried by one of the foulest flavored bullpens Houston has ever had. (I hope only so far: Really, your name is ABAD? Even that joke is too easy to hit.)  Bourn, Pence, and Wallace could not be themselves if old Puma was still holding court in H-town.

So breathe out Houston diehards, be glad you survived the inevitable with one win, and know that it’s possible, if Fat Elvis keeps playing like this, we’ll see his happy ass in Cooperstown. And he wouldn’t be caught dead there in Cardinal red, no matter what anyone says.

May Lance Hit This Well Against The Cubs,


It’s Official Astros Fans: Never Gonna Happen 2010

Posted in Astros rivals, Houston Astros with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2010 by Astropolithecus


Though our fair broadcasters on both radio and television might gloss over  a very ugly season by not saying anything very negative or critical, I want to make an announcement. Houston is done as of today, June 19th. This is from an eternal Astros optimist.

We are a crap team this year, and for the first time since I can remember I’m questioning the effort team wide, which bothers me deeply. Oswalt wants to leave, and rightly so.

I say blow it up and start all over.  Youth movement in Houston helmed by new hitting coach Bagwell is about the best we can hope for in the next two years.   Buckle down, ladies and gentlemen, judging by the listless nature of this mediocre squad, your fandom will be tested Pittsburgh Pirates style until the blessed day in early October when this train wreck(Wooo!Wooo! my ass) is over.

I knew the playoffs would be a miracle, but I never imagined what I’ve been watching these last 3 months. Only up from here, I hope.

Onward and Upward,


Say There, Need A Tonic What Ails Your Rubber Arm?

Posted in Astros rivals, Houston Astros with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2010 by Astropolithecus


Okay ladies and germs, now listen good and listen fast and listen with your wallets out, no seriously folks I’m only gonna say it three or four hundred more times, no now I’m absolutely serious, so listen tight, peel your ears proper and lean close to my friendly lips whilst I reveal to you this fine evening the most locked down, whizbang, firecracker, hardsmack, sharp as diamond can’t miss cure for  all your pitching troubles.

Your team struggling? Right at .500? WAYYYYY BEELLOOOOWW .500? Not a problem here! Got a wily veteran losing his stuff?A young gun with a herky jerky throwing motion? Wild man who can’t find the plate?  Mental case?  Just your standard ace in need of a real confidence booster?  Heck be burned I’ve got The SOLUTION!

Why bottled and glittering right here on my state of the art sanitized portable laboratory table I’ve got two ounces of the best kept secret in all of stickball! See now, just three drops of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE, and those pitiful pitchers will perk up like hounds at a hotdog stand!

This sauce is a scientific miracle for revolutionary relief. Drawn from the center of each Houston Astros game used baseball bat, this cold, syrupy, flavorless goo is sure to wipe out any lineup!

Simply sneak into your visiting clubhouse, flick three drops onto any bat of your choosing, even pour it on their fancy catered spread, and watch the futile unfold!

I promise your pitcher has never had it so hunky dory! He’ll think he’s Cy Young reincarnated!

I have clients in San Francisco that swear by the stuff. Trust me!

You’ll see more first pitch swinging, pop up lifting, caught looking, ground outing, double play inducing goodness than you can shake a stick at. Or shake a stick at and miss for that matter! No seriously folks, I tell you with WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE your paralyzed grandmother could pitch a three hit complete game shutout backwards against the New York Yankees!

Facing a patient hitter? Not anymore!

In town against a team with thunder rolling in the middle of the lineup? More like refreshing spring showers for your starting staff!

Worried about an overworked bullpen? Ha! Tuck those late inning babies tight at 9:30 sharp, because they won’t be needed this series!

And all after only ONE application of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE!

It’s just one thin dime, one tenth of a dollar for 15 drops of my most efficient elixir!

Here now, all of you step right up and make me the richest man this side of the Mississippi! And I thank you dearly for your business!

******side effects may include harmless infield singles and long home-run distance foul balls: Do not be alarmed*******


Never, under any circumstances, open a bottle inside your own clubhouse!!!


Posted in Houston Astros with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2010 by Astropolithecus

Guys and girls, brave Astros fans, I think it’s time for Sean Berry to go.

This hideous performance by the offense is not his fault, the guys just look awful in all facets, and that’s no more Berry’s problem than it is my problem, but he still has to go.

The facts remain that this offense, who I truly believe is better than they have almost ever appeared, has underachieved under Berry for a while.

Never have they hit on all cylinders together at the same time, and the hitting coach has to be the scapegoat for that.

I say all this with the caveat that I really like Sean Berry as a former player and coach.  Unfortunately, he has to go.

At the very least, fresh blood would stir up the dugout.

Hopefully, he could sign somewhere his style translates better.

Maybe the shame alone of getting a guy fired would improve the offense.

These are sad times, and I don’t say that just based off of this 0-8 start. Since the end of last year, our boys have looked lost.

Stay loyal dear fans, and stay patient.

Good Night and Good Luck, We May Need a Ton of It,


Cubs Walk Off Doesn’t Worry Me. Really.

Posted in Houston Astros with tags , , , , , on July 28, 2009 by Astropolithecus

I was waiting to see when I felt like posting again.  I haven’t written with The Disastros for awhile, being either too tired or at a loss for what I wanted to say. 

    So , I’m surprised after Soriano’s walk off grand slam I’ve regained the calm itch to say something of value. At least of value to the long suffering Astros fans I know.  

  This is a three game skid. This sucks. And few things are worse than a showboat like Soriano grabbing the upper hand on your scrappy ballclub with a huge homer.

 But THIS doesn’t worry me. I’m no more worried than I was at any point in the season thus far.

 The Astros should have taken three from the Dodgers recently. They came right back.  They were losing series in embarrassing fashion all through the beginning of the season, yet here they are in the thick of things even with tonight’s loss.

They will always worry me with inexplicable hitting slumps and shaky starting pitching, but even if the Cubs sweep this series, the ‘Stros are in this thing until the end. 

 Our Disastros have fought momentum valiantly every game this season.  Just when you think they can’t take another bone crushing loss (the Nationals eating them alive at home, right?), they come right back and win with a relative ease that makes me scratch my head, and throw a spotlight on their resilience.

They can also beat freakin’ Johan and then look mystified by a guy from Triple- A , so momentum hasn’t been a key factor in their season so far. They are actually, for the first time ever, taking it one game at a time this season.  Slow, steady, mildly consistent winning, which may be enough to kick them over the top in this fun but floundery division.  

And yeah, this grand slam might start Soriano on a tear, and the Cubs might stay hot because of it.  But he’ll probably go right back to being the bravado guy with the hole in his swing and the inability to read a close play down the third base line.  The Cubs will live and die with this newfound “momentum” for the next few days, or even weeks.  There might even be something to it.  It might put them over the top. But we know what will probably keep happening in the playoffs, sad as that is to think of.

 And I know one more thing. The Astros of this team aren’t gonna pout their way through this series. They actually played a pretty great game tonight. They’re just experiencing a little late season dead bat phase right now, exacerbated by the absence of Berkman. 

 The Astros will keep plunking along, slow and steady until the real end of the season, when they’ll either fizzle or rocket hard to the end. 

And I have the strange feeling our plodding turtles (led by the speedy Bourn)might just catch these hyped up rabbits napping.