Say There, Need A Tonic What Ails Your Rubber Arm?
Try a bit of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE!
Okay ladies and germs, now listen good and listen fast and listen with your wallets out, no seriously folks I’m only gonna say it three or four hundred more times, no now I’m absolutely serious, so listen tight, peel your ears proper and lean close to my friendly lips whilst I reveal to you this fine evening the most locked down, whizbang, firecracker, hardsmack, sharp as diamond can’t miss cure for all your pitching troubles.
Your team struggling? Right at .500? WAYYYYY BEELLOOOOWW .500? Not a problem here! Got a wily veteran losing his stuff?A young gun with a herky jerky throwing motion? Wild man who can’t find the plate? Mental case? Just your standard ace in need of a real confidence booster? Heck be burned I’ve got The SOLUTION!
Why bottled and glittering right here on my state of the art sanitized portable laboratory table I’ve got two ounces of the best kept secret in all of stickball! See now, just three drops of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE, and those pitiful pitchers will perk up like hounds at a hotdog stand!
This sauce is a scientific miracle for revolutionary relief. Drawn from the center of each Houston Astros game used baseball bat, this cold, syrupy, flavorless goo is sure to wipe out any lineup!
Simply sneak into your visiting clubhouse, flick three drops onto any bat of your choosing, even pour it on their fancy catered spread, and watch the futile unfold!
I promise your pitcher has never had it so hunky dory! He’ll think he’s Cy Young reincarnated!
I have clients in San Francisco that swear by the stuff. Trust me!
You’ll see more first pitch swinging, pop up lifting, caught looking, ground outing, double play inducing goodness than you can shake a stick at. Or shake a stick at and miss for that matter! No seriously folks, I tell you with WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE your paralyzed grandmother could pitch a three hit complete game shutout backwards against the New York Yankees!
Facing a patient hitter? Not anymore!
In town against a team with thunder rolling in the middle of the lineup? More like refreshing spring showers for your starting staff!
Worried about an overworked bullpen? Ha! Tuck those late inning babies tight at 9:30 sharp, because they won’t be needed this series!
And all after only ONE application of WADE HOUSTON’S HITTING SAUCE!
It’s just one thin dime, one tenth of a dollar for 15 drops of my most efficient elixir!
Here now, all of you step right up and make me the richest man this side of the Mississippi! And I thank you dearly for your business!
******side effects may include harmless infield singles and long home-run distance foul balls: Do not be alarmed*******
Never, under any circumstances, open a bottle inside your own clubhouse!!!